My Journey of Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse — No Longer a Victim

I made it this far. I made it through the storm. Though I didn’t know I was in the storm, as the storm was just my life. And I accepted it as normal. As they say, “It is what it is”. But no more. Today, I have a new purpose. Not just to survive, or to make it through, or to make do. Now, my purpose is to learn, to grow, to heal and to share. I have always known that I have a story to tell. As I was living it, I knew that my life was going to be a testimony that I would one day live to tell so many others. I never saw myself as an “activist” or a “survivor” or anything close to someone who knew their life mission was to heal the world. I was just trying to turn something that was wrong, into something that was ok. Livable. Breathable. But the only way to do that was to lie. Lie to myself and to everyone else around me. Problem is that this meant living, in essence, alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my fears, disappointments, regrets, resentments and my faults. People like to say, “It’s not your fault”. But I believe it was. It was my fault to not trust God. It was my fault to not trust myself. To not believe in myself, that I deserved more, better. I take responsibility for my actions. It takes two doesn’t it? Sure, I have plenty of excuses. Enough to make anyone want to take me in their arms and try to mend my soul with their compassion. But I don’t want pity, I’m not a victim. I’m a woman who fell for a man who I thought would love me and protect me the way a man who loves a woman should (like in the movies, of course). I’m a woman who chose to give a man the responsibility of making me happy and complete. I am a woman who held on to a dream of love, marriage and family with the jaws of life before I could admit that this was just not it.

Today, my eyes are open. Today I feel free. Free from submission. Free from servitude without respect. Today, I am ready to find and be who I was meant to be. I am smart. I am beautiful just the way I am. I am important. And I am ready to tell my story. I truly believe, now, that I am not alone. There are so many other women living a life they were not meant to live. I want to be of service to those who want to be free like me. I want to be a role model for courage and strength, for resilience. The only way to do that is to speak up. Preach! Teach! I want to be an inspiration to those who dream of a life that feels like their own. That has been my prayer for myself and I believe that I am meant to bring you with me. Let’s take this journey together, because I’m not done. I’m not there yet, but I’m out of the storm. I see the rainbow. The light at the end of the tunnel. The means to a new beginning. And I want to share it with you. My prayer is that God continues to guide me in this journey, on this mission. I pray for wisdom and courage to be completely open and honest. Total transparency. Because I know that is what it will take to free myself first. And the blessing will be that it also frees someone else.