Foggy Memory — The Lingering Impact of Narcissistic Abuse
It's been three years since I divorced my husband, a man I spent 30 years of my life with — a man I now know was a narcissist. And even after all this time, I still notice the impact of the abuse in ways I didn’t expect. One of the most frustrating and persistent effects is the foggy memory and inability to think clearly, especially in the moment.
Recently, I experienced a moment that perfectly encapsulated this lingering trauma. I’m preparing to co-facilitate a retreat in Arizona, where I’ll be helping women heal from trauma through writing. My business partner asked me why I was up so early. Simple question, right? But for the life of me, I couldn’t come up with a logical answer. I stood there, confused, and just blurted out, “I don’t know,” and laughed it off like it was no big deal.
But it was a big deal.
Several minutes later, the reasons for my early wake-up came flooding back to me. I had been woken up at 5:30 AM by the sound of a dryer’s beeping, signaling the end of the cycle. It jolted me out of sleep, and after that, I couldn’t go back to bed. I also remembered that 5:30 AM Pacific time was 8:30 AM in Maryland, where I’m visiting from — by that time, I would’ve been up and already well into my day.
How could I have forgotten all of that in the moment? And why did I immediately default to a “safe” answer instead of trying to reason through it?
Things like this happen to me more often than I care to admit. Moments of confusion, forgetting simple facts, or being unable to articulate my thoughts clearly. This wasn’t me before. But it was me during my marriage. For decades, I was conditioned to second-guess myself. Any answer I gave, no matter how logical, was challenged, dismissed, or twisted. I learned that being wrong wasn’t just a possibility, it was an inevitability — so I stopped trusting my own mind. I silenced my own voice.
Even now, after three years of separation from my narcissistic ex-husband, that conditioning has a tight grip on my brain. It’s not just foggy memory; it’s the doubt that creeps in with every answer I give, every decision I make. The fear that my reality will be questioned or invalidated.
This is the impact of narcissistic abuse.
It’s frustrating. Baffling. Infuriating, even. In my heart and mind, I know that healing is a process, not an overnight transformation. Every day, I remind myself of this and take steps toward reclaiming my mind and my confidence. I accept that I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m miles away from where I was and I celebrate my progress.
If you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship, you might recognize this, too — the fog, the uncertainty, the frustration. Know that you’re not alone, and that even though the effects of the abuse linger, they don’t have to define the rest of your life.
One day at a time, one moment at a time, we reclaim ourselves.
